The Leaving

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The waves relentlessly pour inwards as I gaze longingly across the ocean. This is day three and the grief that I have been feeling is beginning to subside like the tide. My heart is wide open to the beginning of my journey, a strong indicator of correct action, yet the natural assumption of an open heart is joy, yes? This emotion is very present, and along with it the silky, salty depths of sadness. With each movement on the road these days my heart connects, and disconnects, from those I love. And it hurts.

A final day in the northern rivers saw the organized chaos of getting back in the van. I drove the Delica down to Lismore to sell to a woman who had been patiently waiting (as I had) for the Sprinter to be fixed. The handover of funds and keys before she dropped me back at the Mercedes dealership to move into my larger and more comfortable abode on wheels.

I tentatively climbed into the driver’s seat and started the engine, an effortless turn and smooth rumble of the European mechanical mastery. Next was an electrics check and to my dismay, discovered that the solar panels were not working and the battery was down to 20%. It was good timing for me to get moving today as the backup power source was the van’s engine.

As I drove up the highway, the battery slowly crept back to life along with my confidence. An hour and a half later I was in Murwillumbah for a final addition to the suspension, then across to the gold coast for a bike rack fitting. Exhausted as the sun went down, I drove back into Mullumbimby and parked at the showgrounds for the night.

As fortune would have it, the farmer’s market was on the next morning, and with it, an opportunity to say goodbye to old friends and acquaintances on my way out. I found it nice to see, and farewell friends, yet internally just wanted to get on the road.

The last visit. Lexi, a romance on the tail end of my time in the Northern Rivers. They and I had been exploring a powerful tantric connection. Met at a new year gathering, our bodies merged by dance and extended gaze. A knowing before thought, before desire. This profound meeting led us to a few short interactions after the gathering and then to open and honest communication of feeling and intent. I wanted to practice intimate touch without sexuality and was learning to voice this true desire – it was well received. The energetic sexual connection was there and having agreed upon boundaries made our proximity so potent, and safe. We spent around four hours in an intimate dance on their soft bed reaching the highest of energetic ecstasies. Each touch a slow electric explosion of galaxies within us, each movement without touch, towards, and away, was an internal sun within each cell, blazing and dimming in rapture of heart and body.

The subsequent meetings allowed for more physical play, we talked about this beforehand, and our bodies led the way. We noticed the difference between spiritual and physical sensation, when it was in the flesh, the highs seemed ‘less-than’ and more aligned with chasing the goal of orgasm. When we allowed the tantric interweaving to play out and practiced sexuality as a present, energetic exploration, the highs were more satisfying, and essentially never ending.

This practice led to a strong bond between us, and our hearts grew fonder for each other. We knew that I was leaving, we still fell in love.

A few days prior, I spent the evening at their house, we had written poetry for a closing ceremony, we read slowly to each other and supped on fruit while laying under a tree in their front paddock.

The day of leaving tore at my heart. I met them at the end of their driveway off a country road. They bore a single rose behind their back, I, a bunch of lotus flowers. In the middle of the road, beneath towering eucalypt, we exchanged our gifts of fragrant petals, then moved to the van for a final moment of closeness.

A constant sheen of tears orbited my eyes as I allowed the waves of grief to slowly and relentlessly pour in. A droplet fell and traced its way down my cheek. This felt like a forever parting, the philosopher in me spoke up to the ultimate unknowing of circumstance, yet the rending, wrenching sensation was real. After some time of silent embrace and touch, we arose from the bed and spoke ‘the long goodbye’. As I sat in the driver’s seat, reminding myself to breathe, our eyes touched one final time as they walked back up their driveway. A synchronous longing and leaving, and meeting with sadness.

I found a forest a few hours south after a long drive. A tide of sorrow at its peak along a highway filled with indifferent drivers. The engine fell silent, and I fell into bed, and slept, and dreamt of nothing.